hello again xanga. 

this weekend i had really good ice cream pie butterfingery chocolaty goodness.... it ws, shall i say.... awesome?

i also realized something.

i have some pretty amazing sisters.  Two excetional ones and one that could be quite exceptional if she wsn't such a bitch all the time.  but i love them.  more than i let them know. 

i forget a lot... but my family is one of the only constant things in my life the past few years.  and i have taken that forgranted.

my goal for the next few months...

to show my family how much they mean to me and spend way more time with them.  i haven't let them be ... but they have always been there for me.

life is scary and so is change.  i'm not too sure of how to deal with either.  but i know i have to find a way. and soon.  i've been in a rut for the past few years. and i'm unhappy.  and i hate that. there are so many people in my life that care about me. a lot.  and i don't think i've let them be as good of friends as i could have.  i had a relization a few months ago.  I keep my friends very superficially.  Not that i don't care about them... on the contrary... i love the people in my life who i can consider friends.  but out of all those people.... i don't know i there are more than 3 who know all that much about me... or that i have or even felt comforatble enough to talk to about serious things.

which is why i get seriously involved with boys. put all of myself into it.. tell my boyfriends everything... rely on them for confidence, advice, my fears and desires and ect... things friend should do ........ so when that ends.... i'm so lost.

he's right when he says that it's best for both of us.  i know.  i need to find myself.... as cliche as that may be........ but it's true.  i don' think i know myself anymore than my slue of "friends"....but it hurts.

there is more for me in this world than what i'm settling for.

hope i can find the strength to go find it

regrets are terrible things to have.

ambiguity is also frustrating ;)

but sometimes.... they're neccesary?  i can NEVER spell that word!

hmmm.

I keep having sad dreams and sad days.

nothing is like it used to be. i don't want ot be here still but i have no where else to go i miss friends and talking and doing nothing and having fun and old mu and carlessness and happiness and enjoying the things i love. its hard to get out of bed. it's so nice and warm and safe. i'im not really sure what i'm doing with myself orwhere i'm going or if i'm going or why i'm still here or waht i'm looking for but i deffinatly can't find/havn'et found it life really gets to me these days.  the simplist things make me cry, emotions a flowing i lost my hair brush and haven't really bushed my hair since last wednesday... running my fingers though it excluded. i feel like there's not a place for me... if there is i certianly am way off track from finding it.  i hate having to tell people what my plans are for next year/what i want to do with my life.  i make up a story so i have something to say but incompletehonestyihavenoideaatall..noclue.mundanedolldrumsstagnantsadnessblah  but i do have fresh and drying herbs.  lemon something or other, rosemary. am i a hippie ... who knows... i eat organic now.  so it's likely.i hate this city. these people. uhgh.  grow a personality and everyone stop sharing the same one.  it's driving me nuts... where did all of you old friends go... well i know where you are but apparently there's something that you don't miss abou tme. pitty pity piety pretty.

meh

Currently Listening Takk... By Sigur Rós see related

mkay i thought of a million people (well a couple) that it would be absolutely SINFUL to not mention....

KATIE STEINMAN!!!!!!!

Jules!

Adam sawyer (did we hug??)

Eric Krueger

Mike wilen... oh that's right you didn't come.... duche bag.... i mean i LOVE YOU

alethia, brian alley, craig, nate, ben andreas, natalia, steve dugan, so many people that i never really knew that it was just good to see their faces... reminded me of the good old days!

also met some cool people... emeliano.... guy from the group that played at salsa night talked to him in spanish all night... was great practice.... worked out because jamie and i spoke spanish all night! it was so great!!!!!!!!!! i <3 spanish!   met a girl that i'd seen around a lot... don't remember her name.. . but she was tons of fun... um... jarred's friend...... kraig maybe???? who knows.... but still.... i can't express enough how great of a weekend it was!!!!!!!

MY GOD WHAT AN AMAZING WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  there aren't enough exclamation points in the world!   i needed it so badly too!! 

it was like college when college was really fun! 

Excelent People that I got to see:

Jamie Robinson

Tade Geeding

Matt Mohr

Michael Brix

Tim Harms

Jo Widmer

Jarred ( ok i'm tired of last names and spaces), Rob S., Josh P., Missy R., Mark T., Jeremy, Lori and Mike, Clint, York, Ben, Roy, Jessica S.  ok i know there were a million and a half more excellent people that i saw but i was entirly too drunk to remember them all!!!

all in all it was the greatest weekend i have had in MONTHS!  I was a warrior!  i've never been drunk for that many nights in a row!  wed, thurs, fri AND sat.   i has so much fun.  i did get burned by pizza sauce and got a blister and spent more money than i should and ate non healthy food and probably some other things i shouldn't have done but it was all in good fun and i had the best time!

I also have two new additions to my wardrobe... someone's blue and white puma zip up hoodie and michael brix's really awesome hat that i got soooooo many compliments on!  so if that's your hoodie.... feel free to claim it... and i'll get your hat bad to you asap ;)

I ALSO WORE MY PIERCING!!!!!!!!  it was soooo good to have it again!!!  apparently it was hot stuff! 

oh man it was just like good quality college with all the good quality old people! life was good this weekend!

but..... i need to go to walmart.

to all who were involved... THANKS FOR AN AWESOME WEEKEND!